The first post of the new year is by our guest author, Ms. Garima, a Psychologist with special interest in childcare issues. Enjoy !
There is no short cut to disciplining
children. One must be willing to spend a lot of time with them to understand
their mental landscape. Children do not just see the world from eyes that are
placed lower in height than the average adult. Their understanding of cause and
effect, of motivation, and their own place in the hugely confusing world of
adults is different from ours in a very basic sense. For one, kids place
themselves in the centre of the universe. This works fine as long as their
world is full of attention, laughter and play. But they continue to see
themselves in the centre (and as a cause) of all the shouting, seething or
helplessness too, if that is what their little world is made up of.
Secondly, children have vast stores of
highly active imagination. One cutesy mark of this is when they see ghosts in
flying curtains or monsters in the dust balls under the bed. But this also
means that they may feel cheated, rejected, even hated at seemingly commonplace
life events like birth of a sibling or relocation. Such emotions can get
amplified by a third tendency of kids, which is to see everything in black and
white mixed with plenty of exaggeration for good measure. Say you are nursing a
new baby when your 5 year old returns from school. Immediately he/ she asks to
rest in your lap. Lovingly you ask him to wait his turn so the baby can finish
his milk. This sequence is enough to trigger a fit of rage, sea of jealousy and
extreme pangs of rejection and sorrow in a child if he is already facing
adjustment difficulties.
Now imagine a scenario wherein you are
still nursing the baby. The older child returns from school, seeks out his
younger sibling and kisses him, puts away his bag and settles down for lunch.
Dream sequence? Yes! But believe it or not dream sequences are acted out in
your own home every day. Only they are taken for granted, not focussed on or
appreciated, and all attention gets diverted to “problem areas”. In actual fact
your child may be displaying behaviours that are a dream for another family but
since you never faced a problem in that, you just presume it is nothing special
while you fret about what is missing.
So how do you bring up a happy, healthy
child without making yourself miserable and obliterating all non-parenting
pleasures from your own life? It is both simple and tough. The simplicity is
that children are really forgiving, loving and adaptable, which means they
respond quickly to changes in their environment. It is tough because short cuts
don’t work. You have got to walk the mile, and then the extra mile. But results
are achieved and often provide a lifetime of happiness, contentment and
support. And of course, oodles of love! Once you have taken care of a child’s
hunger, tiredness and boredom, here is what you need to focus on.
A few pointers which should help avoid the most common
pitfalls in bringing up children.
1.
Shower the gift of understanding. Kids presume guilt and shame where none exists. They also imagine
fears and exaggerate simple refusals to mean the worst. So it is necessary to
develop the ability to scratch the surface of your child’s uncalled for
reactions and find the real issue that is bothering him. Only then will u be
able to handle tricky situations or mould his behaviour. If he is fussy, is he
afraid? If he is yelling, does he need positive attention? If he is rebelling,
does he feel unappreciated? Rather than getting caught up in the emotion of the
moment your interests will be better served if you can take a step back to
reach the root cause. If all your child’s bad behaviours are met with “I don’t
know why she always does this”, it is time for introspection or analysis.
2.
All for Attention. Nearly half of a child’s misdemeanours can be attributed to this. Remember
that what your child values the most is your attention. More than the gifts, the
treats, the trip to the gaming arcade, what your child loves is your attention.
Knowing how to use this is crucial to changing undesirable behaviour. There is
a fundamental difference between punishment and denying attention. When you
deny attention (by giving time out, or sending the child to his room, or simply
ignoring) you increase the chance of stopping bad behaviour manifold. But in
many cases yelling at the child may be acting as a reinforcer in itself. So a
child who is feeling deprived of positive attention or praise will repeatedly
enact bad behaviour because he gets your attention that way, even if it means
having to bear your anger. As a fundamental rule, being yelled at is more
desirable to a child than feeling ignored; punishment is better than no
attention at all. So as parents your job is to catch them “being good”. If they
did their homework without whining, or shared a toy with a friend, or just put
away their dinner plate without being told, pay attention immediately and show
your appreciation. Something simple like “that was nice” will suffice. Once you
start to see when a child’s bad behaviour is just his solution to feeling
attention deprived, you can help him and also regain sanity in your own life.
3.
Count your blessings. This means focussing on the positive aspects of your child’s
personality and behaviour. May be your child is madly jealous of the new
sibling but is excellent in taking initiative? May be your child is socially
shy to the point of shame but excels at creative problem solving? May be he
cannot sit still even for a count of ten but can lead a gang of energetic toddlers
to play as he wills? Focusing on strengths will make you feel more positive
towards your child and it will immensely build his own self esteem and
confidence. Children with high self esteem tend to take more initiative, be
leaders and act responsibly.
4.
Eyes on the future. Bringing up a child is about preparing him or her for the life
ahead. It is like teaching him to swim before you leave him alone in the ocean.
Short term solutions may make your life easy in the moment, but will not
provide the necessary skills and training to the child to adapt happily to the
grown up world in the future. So whether you are answering “Why do I have to go
to school” or handling an “I don’t want to take a bath”, “Can I have one more
candy” or “But he beat me first”, always bear in mind what skills will help
this child cope with situations in the future. What values do you want him to
grow up with? Choose your responses carefully in accordance with the longer
term goals.
5.
Be reliable- no lying. When your child is late from school do you want to hear the truth
or just a really smart excuse? Children will pick up what you do more than what
you preach. Do you routinely skip certain commitments and cover up with an
excuse? Be the first one to admit a mistake. Know that it takes courage to
speak the truth and to be ready to face the consequences. Children “get” more
than what you explain. So don’t make a false pretence for missing his football
match. Lying will hurt your relationship with your child in two ways. One, he
will subconsciously pick up on this habit, finding it easier to give a clever
excuse than fess up. This can mean you will not know what is going on in his
life until he is in big trouble. The second danger is that there will be no
trust in the relationship. Promises like “I will take you there tomorrow” will
mean nothing and you can expect a barrage of manipulation, temper tantrums and
resentment from the child. So say what you mean and mean it.
6.
Have a schedule for the major chunk of daily
activities. When kids know what to expect they
are more relaxed. A predictable routine, especially for younger children, keeps
them calm in the face of life changes. So in case you are integrating the
presence of a new baby in the family, if the older one knows what he has to do
when he returns from school, that you will be nursing the baby for another 15
mins, that once the baby is asleep you two will be sharing the news of the day
for an hour etc., it can help him cope with the unfamiliar feelings he may be
experiencing. A routine shows him what to do, and also when it is time share
you with someone else and when he gets to be your top priority again. Believe
it or not, if you have a routine you can actually claim a couple of hours for
yourself everyday as long as the child knows when he gets to have you to
himself again.
7.
Give but also take. One of the biggest gifts you can give your child is to teach him
gratitude. The biggest predictor of happiness is not wealth, health, education,
success or relationships but an attitude of gratitude. And this attitude can be
taught by making them work hard and appreciate the hard work of others. Let
them see you be grateful for the bounty before you cook and teach them to
appreciate your effort when they eat what you have made. Make them help you in
the daily chores and take weekly breaks from certain duties like folding the
laundry when only the kids do the task. Not only will you be more rested and
feel appreciated, your children will feel important and more positive about
themselves. Win-win!
While parenting can be a roller coaster
ride of emotions it is also your biggest opportunity for getting out of your
comfort zone and really growing. Enjoy the ride while it lasts!
Garima is a practicing Psychologist and Life
Coach. Her special interests are parenting, mind-body connection and wellness.
She lives in Pune with her husband and two daughters. She can be reached at info@manodasha.com, website www.manodasha.com
